RUMINATED

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

I fell in line with what you showed
I bended backward to da floor
I nodded hard without a fight
My realest feels locked outta sight

I pledged allegiance to the craze
I drank the hype I ate the phase
You comment, These are better days
I said, I woke and kicked the lazy

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

I wrapped the flaw inside the fear
I pulled the blinds and disappeared
I smeared the ache across the wall
I took the truth and kept it small

Such torn and tattered weathered ways
Such effort to erase the haze
I halted cautious in the maze
Of black and white exhausted days

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

And I’m not gonna hold that hate
I ain't got space inside for that kind of rage
No I am not gonna hold that hate
I ain't got space inside for that kind of rage

I am speaking out the words I think
Uncertain left, she went instinct
Compliance dusty on the shelf
This deeply rooted sense of self
Replaced the wavering of grace
This quirky talk and silly space
This soul to mind to pen to page
I found the clear
I burned with sage

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

 

BACKWARDS SO

I am finding myself in the movie star defeat
In the way you move your feet
In the pieces in between the rows of misendeavors

I melt backwards so when the ink forgets the paper
When I codify a savior
When I scuff up my obscurities
Scoff them gone, rendered unable to breathe

The statue, she tells me
You are younger than you think
Go to sleep, please

Tonight I succumbed to my ego
Overwhelmed by plastic sins
I smacked of reinvention
My quiet hero, you would hardly understand my position

I slip under so when the words don’t match the speaker
When I no longer believe her
When I pick apart what defined me
And read up close, the lyrics blur the scene

The Mary, she tells me
You are younger than you think
Go to sleep, please, for me

I lean sideways so
Like a stubborn mind, surrendered
Like a smooth breeze, under pressure
I wish I knew how to unfreeze
But something solid keeps me on my knees

She tells me
You are younger
Go for me

 

STEPS

It wasn't kind
But I’ve shaped myself from what I’ve felt outside
It wasn't right
But I took the energy and made it mine

Now I’m working hard to change it
But it takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment longer than you'd think

It didn't help
But I spent a decade pushing off the pain
All by myself
I avoided effort to stay safe

I am working hard to change it
But it takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment longer than you'd think

I am aiming to be braver
But it means a layer
Means a layer
Means a layer
Means a layer of this shield must sink

And I didn't understand how
I didn't understand how
You could put one foot in front of the other
The weight of it was not a bother to you
It's how you do it all
Pursue, stay true, refuse to fall

Cause I lost grip of the handle
I lost grip of the handle
The way to
Take the pieces, add them up
The proof to self I’m worthy of the art
My authenticity
My right to feel, to heal, to leave

It's left a mark
I can choose to let it rot or wipe it clean
All this debris
I can choose to hide it close or set it free

I am working hard to change it
But it takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment longer than you'd think

But I am waking up and breathing deep
Then taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps that bring me home to me

I am waking up and breathing deep
Then taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps that bring me home to me

 

THE HISTORY AND THE HEART OF IT

I’ve been teetering the line
Between turning off and being kind
I’ve been begging for release
Cause it feels good
But it’s not right and it’s not me

Yes it helps me some to settle
But it crumbles up my peace
Like a glow that’s only lit until you’ve sunk
It helps some
But I get numb, then I’m not free

But I am not opposed to moments
That stop me in my tracks
I wish that I had known this
When I was holding back

I’ve been seeking out the empathy
Of the shadows and the haze
Till I’m feeling sick, falling to my knees
Cause I get stuck
It tears me up, I lose my place

But I am not opposed to moments
That stop me in my tracks
I wish that I had known this
When I was holding back

Cause it amplifies my wicked doubt
Cause it shrinks my why and blurs my how
Cause it takes my fire, puts it out
Cause it changes why I breathe

Cause it amplifies my wicked doubt
Cause it shrinks my why and blurs my how
Cause it takes my fire, puts it out
Cause it changes why I breathe

But I am not opposed to moments
That stop me in my tracks
I wish that I had known this
When I was holding back

 

HOW I GOT THERE

They’re all old, tired
I don’t feel them anymore
Plus I’m waiting on the evidence
To settle up the score

So I sit tall
With the courage I could find
And the primal need to feel it all
Pulsating all the time

But the fight’s over there
Down the block and to the right
And the chaos is just dark enough
That my ready zips up tight
But it’s no life

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

I’m good at pause
Finding ways to wait to wake
Through the lift away and lazy play
But what a mess it makes

After the fog
Come the reasons for the spree
Then the dusting off
And feeling fraught
For mucking up the scene

Plus the fight's over there
On the stage and in the light
And the chaos is just steep enough
That my steady loses sight
But it's no life

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

So boss up little one
It's not later it's today
You avoid the effort
But in that you lose your way

So boss up little one
It's not later it's today
You avoid the effort
But in that you lose your way

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

 

WILD

You put a maybe in your mind
You put a maybe in your mind
It got heavier in time
It got harder to hold high
It took all of you to keep it up
In the air you breathe
It took all of you to hold
And so all of you had to go
And put your focus on the wrong input
You lost what you were on
That ground
You lost the spot upon which you
Had confidently found yourself
The reason you are here
And how to light up from the
Sheer innate creative soul
Within that solar plexus as it spins

I spent a lot of time at home
I spent a lot of time alone
It felt like leisure at the time
But truth, an empty space and mind
I'd go from zero straight to ten
Without reflecting finding zen
Without my presence and my pen
You've got to shake it all away
Your comfort keeps you in your place
You glued your history to yourself
Band-aided by the lies you tell

When you are grateful and aligned
Your dreams will merge with present time
Your inner child's biggest smile:
When you're grounded, open, wild