RUMINATED

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

I fell in line with what you showed
I bended backward to the floor
I nodded hard without a fight
My realest feels locked outta sight

I pledged allegiance to the craze
I drank the hype I ate the phase
You comment, These are better days
I said, I woke and kicked the lazy

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

I wrapped the flaw inside the fear
I pulled the blinds and disappeared
I smeared the ache across the wall
I took the truth and kept it small

Such torn and tattered weathered ways
Such effort to erase the haze
I halted cautious in the maze
Of black and white exhausted days

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

And I’m not gonna hold that hate
I ain't got space inside for that kind of rage
No I am not gonna hold that hate
I ain't got space inside for that kind of rage

I am speaking out the words I think
Uncertain left, she went instinct
Compliance dusty on the shelf
This deeply rooted sense of self
Replaced the wavering of grace
This quirky talk and silly space
This soul to mind to pen to page
I found the clear
I burned with sage

I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me
I used to be just like them, now I’m just like me

BACKWARDS SO

I am finding myself in the movie star defeat
In the way you move your feet
In the pieces in between the rows of misendeavors

I melt backwards so when the ink forgets the paper
When I codify a savior
When I scuff up my obscurities
Scoff them gone, rendered unable to breathe

The statue, she tells me
You are younger than you think
Go to sleep, please

Tonight I succumbed to my ego
Overwhelmed by plastic sins
I smacked of reinvention
My quiet hero, you would hardly understand my position

I slip under so when the words don’t match the speaker
When I no longer believe her
When I pick apart what defined me
And read up close, the lyrics blur the scene

The Mary, she tells me
You are younger than you think
Go to sleep, please, for me

I lean sideways so
Like a stubborn mind, surrendered
Like a smooth breeze, under pressure
I wish I knew how to unfreeze
But something solid keeps me on my knees

She tells me
You are younger
Go for me

STEPS

It wasn't kind
But I’ve shaped myself from what I’ve felt outside
It wasn't right
But I took the energy and made it mine

Now I’m working hard to change it
But it takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment longer than you'd think

It didn't help
But I spent a decade pushing off the pain
All by myself
I avoided effort to stay safe

I am working hard to change it
But it takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment longer than you'd think

I am aiming to be braver
But it means a layer
Means a layer
Means a layer
Means a layer of this shield must sink

And I didn't understand how
I didn't understand how
You could put one foot in front of the other
The weight of it was not a bother to you
It's how you do it all
Pursue, stay true, refuse to fall

Cause I lost grip of the handle
I lost grip of the handle
The way to
Take the pieces, add them up
The proof to self I’m worthy of the art
My authenticity
My right to feel, to heal, to leave

It's left a mark
I can choose to let it rot or wipe it clean
All this debris
I can choose to hide it close or set it free

I am working hard to change it
But it takes a moment
Takes a moment
Takes a moment longer than you'd think

But I am waking up and breathing deep
Then taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps that bring me home to me

I am waking up and breathing deep
Then taking steps
And taking steps
And taking steps that bring me home to me

THE HISTORY AND THE HEART OF IT

I’ve been teetering the line
Between turning off and being kind
I’ve been begging for release
Cause it feels good
But it’s not right and it’s not me

Yes it helps me some to settle
But it crumbles up my peace
Like a glow that’s only lit until you’ve sunk
It helps some
But I get numb, then I’m not free

But I am not opposed to moments
That stop me in my tracks
I wish that I had known this
When I was holding back

I’ve been seeking out the empathy
Of the shadows and the haze
Till I’m feeling sick, falling to my knees
Cause I get stuck
It tears me up, I lose my place

But I am not opposed to moments
That stop me in my tracks
I wish that I had known this
When I was holding back

Cause it amplifies my wicked doubt
Cause it shrinks my why and blurs my how
Cause it takes my fire, puts it out
Cause it changes why I breathe

Cause it amplifies my wicked doubt
Cause it shrinks my why and blurs my how
Cause it takes my fire, puts it out
Cause it changes why I breathe

But I am not opposed to moments
That stop me in my tracks
I wish that I had known this
When I was holding back

HOW I GOT THERE

They’re all old, tired
I don’t feel them anymore
Plus I’m waiting on the evidence
To settle up the score

So I sit tall
With the courage I could find
And the primal need to feel it all
Pulsating all the time

But the fight’s over there
Down the block and to the right
And the chaos is just dark enough
That my ready zips up tight
But it’s no life

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

I’m good at pause
Finding ways to wait to wake
Through the lift away and lazy play
But what a mess it makes

After the fog
Come the reasons for the spree
Then the dusting off
And feeling fraught
For mucking up the scene

Plus the fight's over there
On the stage and in the light
And the chaos is just steep enough
That my steady loses sight
But it's no life

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

So boss up little one
It's not later it's today
You avoid the effort
But in that you lose your way

So boss up little one
It's not later it's today
You avoid the effort
But in that you lose your way

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, we’re alive
Open up your eyes
Holy shit, open up your eyes

WILD

You put a maybe in your mind
You put a maybe in your mind
It got heavier in time
It got harder to hold high
It took all of you to keep it up
In the air you breathe
It took all of you to hold
And so all of you had to go
And put your focus on the wrong input
You lost what you were on
That ground
You lost the spot upon which you
Had confidently found yourself
The reason you are here
And how to light up from the
Sheer innate creative soul
Within that solar plexus as it spins

I spent a lot of time at home
I spent a lot of time alone
It felt like leisure at the time
But truth, an empty space and mind
I'd go from zero straight to ten
Without reflecting finding zen
Without my presence and my pen
You've got to shake it all away
Your comfort keeps you in your place
You glued your history to yourself
Band-aided by the lies you tell

When you are grateful and aligned
Your dreams will merge with present time
Your inner child's biggest smile:
When you're grounded, open, wild

WHAT THIS IS

In search of the reason why
Days unfold as they do
I've run askew
I am very close to accepting
My very, very present past
And you're aghast

But I say, "No, no
I dedicate my chaos
To the ones who told me: living's only
About trying to flourish
In this livid space"

I know this isn't anything
You haven't seen before
But tell me more
I know you get your courage
Based upon who you were yesterday
But let me stay

Cause I will hear you fully
We can compare notes
On our thoughts on the poetry
That comes from watching a war

A girl comprised of complexity
Gets down real close
And talks to me
I hardly know her anymore, but I'm trying
We live so loud
A man whose mouth I remember
Gets down real close
And whispers
"You can have it if you try"
I say, "I don't have time for this tonight"
He replies, "We live so loud"

I get that hurting hard and giving in
Can't be related
I digress
I get that masochism
Isn't about what comes later
So I won't press
I humbly acknowledge
We are not trying our best
But that doesn't mean
That this should matter any less

OF POTENTIAL RELEVANCE

We are standing
On our own two feet
But just barely
Where's the peace?

Someone in power
Tells us how it is
We simply nod
It's been so long
It's been so long like this

We take to the streets
And calmly open our heads
Where is the love, man?

Freedom comes when
Someone dares
To stand tall
Where's our white flag?
It's been gone
It's been gone for so long

A little group of
Hushed up voices
We are useless
But we're getting older
Therefore more important
We stand up together
We say

We will not back down

A passionate crowd
Of love supporters
Standing up for
What we know
Will bring us to the freedom
We live our days
Reaching out for
We say

We will not back down

A growing group
Of vocal dreamers
Knowing our grass
Could be greener
Standing up in support
Of the freedom that comes
From believing

We will not back down

We are standing on our own two feet
But just barely
We are standing on our own two feet

Where's the peace?
Where's the peace?
Where's the peace?
Where's the peace?
Where's the peace?
Where's the peace?
Where's the peace?
Where's the peace?

YESTERDAY WAS SUNDAY

I wasn't worried about
Obligation
I'd like to think I'm already
Past that place

And I wasn't thinking about
Situational complications
I choose not to live that way

I am not that easy
I used to say
I am not that way

I have to think
That I'm not alone here
You know when your groin starts to ache
You're in my same place

This isn't about
Moral standards
It's just how the body will bend
When you let it escape

I am not that easy
I used to say
I am not way
I used to say

If this was
Four decades ago
This would be acceptable
And I wouldn't be
"Making mistakes"

I was raised to
Follow my insides
And my soul is
Screaming to run
Permanently away from the "they"

I'd like to think
We have a communal obligation
To be who we are
And to live what we say

So why can't we just
Embrace human instincts
And throw unimportant motives away

I am not that easy
I used to say
I am not that way
I am not that way
I used to say

DELUDED

Take off your silence
And give it to me
I don't want you to feel safe
When you are making me so unhappy

Or cut off your lips
And throw them away
I don't want to see that part of you
I like so much
When we are fighting
When we are fighting this way

Cover those eyes
And your arms and your hands
And your fingertips
And your lower back
And your clavicle
And your neck
And your hips

Get dressed
Go home
Leave what's unraveled alone
What was once a dull ache
Is now explained

I am not over this
But I get that
It's now my thing

To unfold
And digest
In the night
When I should be sleeping

But wait
Give me this
Where was my slip?
When, for you
Did it not become worth it?

Get dressed
Go home
Leave what's unraveled alone
What was once a dull ache
Is now explained

Wait, give me this
Where was my slip?
When, for you, did it not become worth it?

Wait, give me this
Wait wait wait wait wait
Wait wait wait wait wait
Wait give me this
Where was my slip?
When, for you, did it not become worth it?

ETCETERA

How did we end up this way?
I see you smilin
But there's nothin left to say

And I thought I made it clear
When I promised you
I'd fly to your side
When you're needin love near
I told you
I said I said I said I said
I said I'd be right here

But you keep on
Keepin on keepin on keepin on
Playin these games
And you're forcin me to
Walk walk walk
Walk walk walk walk walk walk
Walk walk walk walk walk walk
Walk walk
Away

How did we end up this way?
I see you smilin
But there's nothin left to say

And I thought I made it clear
When I promised you
I'd fly to your side
When you're needin love near
I told you
I said I said I said I said
I said I'd be right here

But you keep on
Keepin on keepin on keepin on
Playin these games
And you're forcin me to
Walk walk walk
Walk walk walk walk walk walk
Walk walk walk walk walk walk
Walk walk
Away